Lim in the Coconut

Machines

I worked as a telemarketer, but my boss would have had you believe I was a professional student fundraiser. We made calls to alumni of the university and essentially asked for donations in a series of formed questions. I have a list of those whose answering machines were the only response.

Mr. Hawk
The Hawks have taken flight from their nest. Leave evidence of your visit.
The first part is nothing but cute, I’ll give ‘em that, but the second part falls off. Leave evidence? If we’re making connections to birds, shouldn’t it be appropriate to take a shit on their answering machine? Pidgeons leave black and white evidence when they visit statues, it’s called shit and it’s not cute.

We can’t answer the phone right now because God only knows what the fuck we’re doin’.
No explanation needed.

Flight 2697, Phoenix, AZ to Long Beach, CA

Flight Attendant: Seat 14C. Sir, do you mind being an emergency exit attendant?

Lim: I guess not.

Flight Attendant: That’s as good of an answer as any.

Lim: Do I even have a choice?

Flight Attendant: Not really. All the seats are filled. You’d have to switch with
someone else.

Lim: So I’d have to let it be known to the entire flight that I’m personally irresponsible for the life of another human being.

Flight Attendant: Pretty much.

Lim: I get extra leg room?

Flight Attendant: Yes sir.

Lim: I’ll take it.

Real Talk

People always say that- the hardest dirtiest lookin dudes always say that. Real talk. And it’s always used for somethin hard and dirty too. And it’s always somethin to be involved with pride.

This cat looked at me funny so I popped him in the mouth,
Real talk.
Why? Why would you do that? Maybe he recognized you. Mistook you for
someone he knew. Thought you were a friend.

I ain’t got no money cause I spent it all on damn child support,
Real talk.
Really?

Yeah, I voted,
Real talk.
I give that one away.

No one is questionin what’s being said. When someone says “I got cancer”, nobody says, “Bullshit! That’s some Ficticious Talk.” Where’s the real real talk. I’m waitin for someone to use real talk, for the most casual and mundane, something everybody can relate to.

I was waiting for the bus,
Real talk.

I was at the gas station fillin up the tank,
Real talk.

I took a shower,
Real talk.

I woke up,
Real talk.

Mr. Smith

I worked as a telemarketer, but my boss would have had you believe I was a professional student fundraiser. We made calls to alumni of the university and essentially asked for donations in a series of formed questions. I have a list of excuses of why some people chose not to give. .

“Hello, is Mr. Smith available?”
We’re having dinner and you know it!
Really? Do I?

“Hello, is Mr. Smith available?”
I’m 95.
As if age consitutes generosity. If anything, you should be more generous with your money. You gonna die soon.

“Hello, is Mr. Smith available?”
I’m playing Angry Birds.
So addictive, it makes you careless about your alma mater.

“Hello, is Mr. Smith available?”
Where are you, Daddy?
This killed me. Nowhere in my job description did it say I had to explain to seven-year-old girls why Daddy went to the store and never came back. I didn’t know what to do so I said, “I’m around the corner” and then I hung up.

“Hello, is Mr. Smith available?”
He’s dead.
I didn’t even bother. I hung up again.

Text Conversation with my Father

Father: How u doin? Stayin dry and finishin ur papers?

Son: Stayin dry. It stopped raining. I’m workin on a western parody right now.

Father: Josey Whales or Timmy James? lol

Son: Juan Margaret

Son: After Joaquin Murieta

Father: Woooohoooo! Youza spicey ngga, now! Aincha? lol Sounds good son! Send me a copy when ur done! :-)